the fight

one fights sexuality, another anger and depression......it is weird life is a constant fight. when will i ever have peace and no battle. or like david i am to have all battles and solomon will have peace. is that how things ought to be. i guess it is more sacrifice that is called for.
one thing is true the less you demand, the more you get dealt with all kinds of crazy stuff. the more you demand things get done the way exactly as you envision. one said i will not stay in a house without a terrace, yes she was given a house with a terrace whether it was rented or own. another said, i will not do this or that and all things get done in their ideas, may be others sulk a bit but who cares.
another said i will have my son study here and daughter study here and the house will be through before children go to college all done. the fourth little pig stayed at home looking out for everyone else's conveniences and got fooled / robbed.
ended up with a body that is rotting by the day a mind that is constantly fighting depressing thoughts. why i have no clue.

sometimes it really is irritating --one wants some photos, and i am willing to make it a cd and give it, but he just wants to pay for the cd and not bring me another cd. sorry , gone are the days that i gave all i have and then ran around looking for things when i need them the most. if i had a cd with me last sunday, i could have gotten away from getting wet in the rain.
my legs hurt a lot if i get wet in the rain. but who knows? who cares? every one has their platter full and they are happy. no body wants to know how it got to be full. i guess the fault is mine because i always made it look so easy and i guess i am paying for it for now.

money gets eaten away as though some moth is eating it. don't know what to do about it. let me see. i need to be able to have money not just for myself but to have enough to give away when i need to.

want to buy something in diamond for my mother. don't know if i can pull it off this time. but i certainly want to do it. it is not that she needs it. but i don't like the fact that she is taken for granted. she deserves better than that.
God give me wisdom how to find the money and grace to buy it for her.
this is random crankiness going on.

pradeepa was my character a long time ago. but i recently met pradeepa in real life. now that i have met one with the same name, i better tell her about my character before i use it again.

life goes on.

life goes on....
like the malayali sings in his song.
rains rains and more rains is the order of the day rather nights these days. the days are more or less okay.i need to keep myself alert so that the terrace doesn't get waterlogged.
the wall is letting in water into the front room again.
i guess i am destined to deal with leakages whether it is from the wall or from the roof or from the terrace it really doesn't matter.
my leg is beginning to give trouble again. well, i am just going to let all things be and go on, i am sick of trying and sacrificing and everything else.

time and again

time has an uncanny way of going extremely fast when one has lots of things to do and going extra slow when one has nothing to do. ....
the last post was in july and august did a quick march with the kids having exams , the work party, the trip to blore. the trip went double fast with me being sick too.
but it was wonderful to meet my friends from school whom i haven't met in 25 years. yet it felt as though it was just a few days since we last met.
dhian - he is such a sweetheart, did all the calling up different ones and co ordinating so that maximum number can participate. it was a privilege to be in this selfless soul's company.
sanjay- a home open always for his friends. spick and span-put me to shame. been reminded of him many times since i got home. a taller version of the one i remember from school. helicopter pilot- great cook-super fantastic with kids.

venka and pradeepa- a lovely couple have their son in lawrence, so not just ols but olparents too. i remember how great we felt seeing sudha's dad's name on those chairs in large hall. rithesh must be really proud to be an ol's son.

gautam-bunny- how does he remain just exactly as he was in school is a mystery to me. it was great to meet him after all these years.
gweny- my dear little friend with the big name gwendolyn patricia wilson, still is as small as she was in school. kavya and kajol were the entertainers of the evening. cute kids. Nani too was good to get to know.
only wish i hadn't fallen sick so i could have enjoyed the company.
it would have been wonderful to have rintu, nimmy and badam too with us. wonder if there are any more around in bangalore.

the feast was a a great occassion too. so many friends travelled from so many places just to be there to honour avy at his fiftieth birthday. it was a humbling experience.
oaky time for me to go and pick up danie from tuition. officially i am off work at 5.15 but my work doesn't end i guess till all are in bed. :)

Marching.

Marching -draft poem by Mikku.


Left, Left, Left Right.....
Such is my plight
I am very very parched
because of all the distance we marched( from all the distance we marched)

"March around the track"
because perfection we lack
Once again, One more lap,
Only listening to my friends rap

" Just one more lap, one more time"
Marching should be made a crime
The captains should be sent to jail
And have no chance of bail.

29.07.2007

a challenge for me

This is the first poem my son wrote, when he was ten years old.
Many a time I am reminded of this poem and the expectation there in when he says if there is a problem she will sort.


Mother -Michael A.V.

My mother is really nice
Even though she's large in size
If there is a problem she will sort
And she's appreciated a lot
She's often serious with me
But she plays with me too
In the end I wonder
if appreciation is enough

new day.

yesterday someone called me in the evening saying, i thought you may be less busy in the evening.
yeah sometimes the day is just too long that i wish it didn't have 24hrs. sometimes it seems like the allotted 24 hrs not nearly enough.so what does it really mean. time is just a concept that you use according to your convenience.

overslept....by the time i woke up it was 5.30 am. just enough time to do my couple of rounds of walking so i don't miss the routine. got back home and quickly made some breakfast. sent the kids off to school.must be boring for them to take the same kind of stuff each day. but one has to live within the means... now what does that mean... i always find myself to be able to spend on others even if i don't have much with me....me and my kids that is where we can make the shrink.... stretch the elastic backwards i guess.

summer pictures sent from a land of snow and darkness for the most part of the year. sunshine and bright colours , they treasure much. for us we are not touched by them. we can only say how hot it is or how rainy it is. both of which we long for but when it comes to that we choose the green on the otherside. its a vicious cycle i guess.
i love spring and summer, when all the plants flower. when i was a little girl i used to long for the flowers to bloom. i lived in a hill station where seasons were more or less pronounced unlike now when i live almost at the equator. rain and sun are the two seasons here. no spring , summer, autumn or winter. the seasons are not pronounced at all and hardly make a difference.
the rain clouds have such a darkening effect on both body and soul. the modern medicine doesn't allow for such nonsense. but the fact remains. time , tide, light , darkness all have their own effects on us human beings.

began to read something after a long long time. was just wondering when i really lost the love for reading. or have i really lost it... no i don't think so , since i still love it. possibly like a marriage when after a few years , the explict joy is invisible.

some one from a rich country asked about people who work in the gulf countries from place like ours, who get married and have to soon leave to find their daily bread, " then why do they get married at all?" interesting question. wonder what he would do if he was in the same kind of situation.
the rich have no idea of the struggles the poor have . they are desperately trying to make ends meet. while the rich have troubles because of their affluence or their life with money.
ha i am rambling on and on.....
guess i should stop for now. shall come back later. ... hang on the picture is just coming in .... so got couple more minutes.
teachers.... an interesting lot.
if you fall into the pattern, they like it, if not, they are suspicious and wondering was it the internet? was it some books that he has taken this from......very interesting... if you are not at the receiving end.

a beautiful flower becomes the fulfilling of the plant. once the flower blossoms, the attention is no longer on the plant but the flower. and definitely marks milestones and death in some.
this beautiful lotus grows in the mud that is in the pond it grows in.

the surroundings are not beautiful at all. yet the lotus doesn't run away. once it blossoms, the attention is totally taken away from the rest. can i be one like that. well i guess it needs lots more work to be done. to be as beautiful in spirit so that i can cover any filth that is around me.

the blog

days past
many of them
nothing written
nothing gained.

has the faculty disppeared
i wonder.
the machine goes on.
can do only routines

off routine, off balance.
the mind is cranky
littlest detail
well remembered
important things
totally forgotten

yesterday vivid and alive
today drab and forgotten
what an existence
sometimes i wonder.

nakulan ,
remembered in poetry
remembered in prose
what difference i wonder
to the soul that is gone