changes.

well, well, since the last time there have been many things that have changed.
my mother is diagnosed with breast cancer and the surgery has been done. waiting for more test results.
what life has in store, none of us know. tomorrow is not in our hands, yet we must be ready for what comes.
there is only one thing i pray that whatever be the prognosis, that she should not suffer .i don't think i have the courage to take it if she is suffering. i was tempted to pray for another fifteen years for her just like hizkiah, but only if she will be happy and not be suffering.
had a day with mom, it was good to be just there, not that i had anything much to do there.
came back and out i went on the scooter and in seconds i was on the ground with my face down.
trying to save myself from hitting a bike that was coming in from the bylane.
bruises, bleeding teeth dislocated. entire set of about five teeth have gone in by a bit. i can feel the difference in arrangement of teeth.
i guess all of them will soon be dead teeth and will have to be pulled out.
very interesting, the prospect of having all my teeth pulled out and having dentures
he had an interesting perspective on it. hehehe.
wonder what kind of effect it will have on life as a whole. with all that has gone past, i guess i have to just take life as it comes. no expectations.

was looking forward to him coming home this weekend. but with this swollen face i don't want to think of it now.
i need him, much more than i care to admit, just that i pretend and try to make myself believe all is fine and dandy

i want the years that the locusts have eaten away. i dont want to let go or surrender.
thus says the lord in joel 2.

23 Be glad, O people of Zion,
rejoice in the LORD your God,
for he has given you
the autumn rains in righteousness. ^[e]
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before.

24 The threshing floors will be filled with grain;
the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.

25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm ^[f]—
my great army that I sent among you.

26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.

water under the bridge.

yes much water has flown under the bridge since the last post. .. life has taken a sharp turn. for better or for worse? i would like to think for the better. have been able to use it to see into the past where ideas were thrust upon me and made me think i was crazy. yippppeeeee, i was right all along, inspite of a thousand denials. now finally it has come out. yes, one day all truth will come out.
i believe in God almighty and he will help me through all things .
thank you my friends both A s that is what you are , super grade friends.
nothing can compare to what you have been to me.and if ever you need a friend, i hope to be there for you, whatever be the situation.
i want to step aside from your lives and now seems to be the best time for that. tomorrow what comes i will gladly take, but don't want to have any part in it for now. i hope i can keep it that way.
my dear little girl has been made to grow up quickly. too quickly with the events of the past weeks. but it is okay, God is with her and she has learnt well to hold fast, as far as i know. just as i had you , my friends, i hope she has someone .Ev, thanks for all the help you been, without you it would have been difficult.

eyes are drooping. thanks to almost a whole night of talking to you,my friend, trying to analyse, understand, tear apart to rebuild, it was well worth it. i will miss it all when you are gone.
sleep beckons. gotta go.

the fight

one fights sexuality, another anger and depression......it is weird life is a constant fight. when will i ever have peace and no battle. or like david i am to have all battles and solomon will have peace. is that how things ought to be. i guess it is more sacrifice that is called for.
one thing is true the less you demand, the more you get dealt with all kinds of crazy stuff. the more you demand things get done the way exactly as you envision. one said i will not stay in a house without a terrace, yes she was given a house with a terrace whether it was rented or own. another said, i will not do this or that and all things get done in their ideas, may be others sulk a bit but who cares.
another said i will have my son study here and daughter study here and the house will be through before children go to college all done. the fourth little pig stayed at home looking out for everyone else's conveniences and got fooled / robbed.
ended up with a body that is rotting by the day a mind that is constantly fighting depressing thoughts. why i have no clue.

sometimes it really is irritating --one wants some photos, and i am willing to make it a cd and give it, but he just wants to pay for the cd and not bring me another cd. sorry , gone are the days that i gave all i have and then ran around looking for things when i need them the most. if i had a cd with me last sunday, i could have gotten away from getting wet in the rain.
my legs hurt a lot if i get wet in the rain. but who knows? who cares? every one has their platter full and they are happy. no body wants to know how it got to be full. i guess the fault is mine because i always made it look so easy and i guess i am paying for it for now.

money gets eaten away as though some moth is eating it. don't know what to do about it. let me see. i need to be able to have money not just for myself but to have enough to give away when i need to.

want to buy something in diamond for my mother. don't know if i can pull it off this time. but i certainly want to do it. it is not that she needs it. but i don't like the fact that she is taken for granted. she deserves better than that.
God give me wisdom how to find the money and grace to buy it for her.
this is random crankiness going on.

pradeepa was my character a long time ago. but i recently met pradeepa in real life. now that i have met one with the same name, i better tell her about my character before i use it again.

life goes on.

life goes on....
like the malayali sings in his song.
rains rains and more rains is the order of the day rather nights these days. the days are more or less okay.i need to keep myself alert so that the terrace doesn't get waterlogged.
the wall is letting in water into the front room again.
i guess i am destined to deal with leakages whether it is from the wall or from the roof or from the terrace it really doesn't matter.
my leg is beginning to give trouble again. well, i am just going to let all things be and go on, i am sick of trying and sacrificing and everything else.

time and again

time has an uncanny way of going extremely fast when one has lots of things to do and going extra slow when one has nothing to do. ....
the last post was in july and august did a quick march with the kids having exams , the work party, the trip to blore. the trip went double fast with me being sick too.
but it was wonderful to meet my friends from school whom i haven't met in 25 years. yet it felt as though it was just a few days since we last met.
dhian - he is such a sweetheart, did all the calling up different ones and co ordinating so that maximum number can participate. it was a privilege to be in this selfless soul's company.
sanjay- a home open always for his friends. spick and span-put me to shame. been reminded of him many times since i got home. a taller version of the one i remember from school. helicopter pilot- great cook-super fantastic with kids.

venka and pradeepa- a lovely couple have their son in lawrence, so not just ols but olparents too. i remember how great we felt seeing sudha's dad's name on those chairs in large hall. rithesh must be really proud to be an ol's son.

gautam-bunny- how does he remain just exactly as he was in school is a mystery to me. it was great to meet him after all these years.
gweny- my dear little friend with the big name gwendolyn patricia wilson, still is as small as she was in school. kavya and kajol were the entertainers of the evening. cute kids. Nani too was good to get to know.
only wish i hadn't fallen sick so i could have enjoyed the company.
it would have been wonderful to have rintu, nimmy and badam too with us. wonder if there are any more around in bangalore.

the feast was a a great occassion too. so many friends travelled from so many places just to be there to honour avy at his fiftieth birthday. it was a humbling experience.
oaky time for me to go and pick up danie from tuition. officially i am off work at 5.15 but my work doesn't end i guess till all are in bed. :)

Marching.

Marching -draft poem by Mikku.


Left, Left, Left Right.....
Such is my plight
I am very very parched
because of all the distance we marched( from all the distance we marched)

"March around the track"
because perfection we lack
Once again, One more lap,
Only listening to my friends rap

" Just one more lap, one more time"
Marching should be made a crime
The captains should be sent to jail
And have no chance of bail.

29.07.2007